At the closing ceremonies of the Los Angeles Olympics they raisedthe South Korean flag and invited everyone to reunite in Seoul. Towhet your appetite for Seoul they brought out a troupe of SouthKorean acrobats and dancers dressed in native costumes. In Seoulthey raised the Spanish flag and honored Barcelona by introducing abattalion of guitarists and flamenco dancers.
And in Barcelona, to herald the dawning of the Atlanta Games,they can offer the world this slice of Atlanta culture-the firstsound foreign tourists are likely to hear as they arrive at Atlanta'sHartsfield International Airport, the world's largest Skinner Box: adisembodied voice, calmly, but in the firm tone of a parent,instructing you: 'Terminal A. You are now arriving at Terminal A.Please stay clear of the doors. Please proceed to the movingsidewalk. Please keep to the right so others may pass. . . . '
Atlanta. Much more than a city.
A hub.
Those of you who've flown into Atlanta know the T-shirt: 'Go ToHell-But Be Sure And Connect In Atlanta.'
In Paris they ask, 'How do I get to the Louvre?' In London theyask, 'Which way to Buckingham Palace?' In Atlanta they beg, 'Pleaseget me to Terminal B.'
Every Olympic host city gets one new medal sport. Atlanta couldhave, 'Find That Gate.'
It doesn't matter how much time you have to connect in theAtlanta airport, you can't do it. You can't get to your gate ontime. Atlanta's airport is God's way of saying, 'Take Amtrak.' If Ihad a dollar for everyone who had to sleep in a heap on the Atlantaairport floor because he couldn't make his connection, I'd bid forthe Games myself. Atlanta is probably the only airport in the worldthat sells pajamas.
The International Olympic Committee apparently felt the Athensairport was dangerous, and it is. Atlanta's airport has a differentsort of terrorism. You don't get shot there, you simply grow paleand listless as you wait for your connection. Atlanta doesn't havehomeless people; they're all still waiting for Eastern.
Believe me, this isn't sour grapes because I was a Belgradesupporter-yeah sure. I'll bet those British soccer hooligans helpedManchester's chances too. It's just that Atlanta never struck me asthe kind of exotic site the Olympics usually selects. As TheBaltimore Sun's Mike Littwin pointed out, Athens is known as theCradle of Western Civilization and Atlanta calls itself 'DogwoodCity.'
Athens has the Acropolis and the Parthenon. Most of Atlanta'sold buildings were burned down in the Civil War, although this weekon 'Designing Women' they were giving tours of the Sugarbaker home.Athens is Plato and Socrates, Atlanta is New Coke and Classic; ordera Pepsi during the Olympics, you'll be deported.
Ou allons nous pour diner ce soir?
Stuckey's, mais oui!
Now that Atlanta has the Olympics, does it mean Jerry Glanvillewill leave tickets for Rhett Butler?
'I've got two to synchronized swimming.'
'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.'
And does it mean that TBS will show the games? Because if that'strue then we've only got six years to get Larry King to lose thosesuspenders and buy a belt like a grown-up.
Everyone's talking about how Andrew Young did the deal, but TedTurner made two critical promises: One) He promised he'd never everhold the Goodwill Games again. Two) He promised that thesurgically-augmented Jane Fonda will light the Olympic flame. (Eatyour heart out, Marla Maples.)
Atlanta is known throughout the world thanks to CNN. In Gabon,for example, Body By Jake is worshipped as a God, and last year SouthGuam High School named Frank Sesno and Bobbi Battista as the worldleaders they most admired (Valerie Voss came in third, followed byGeorge Bush, Mikhail Gorbachev and Lassie-they also get Nickelodeon).Atlanta looks great on CNN. It may come as a surprise to some of theforeign tourists that the combination of temperature and humidityduring the Olympics will steam them like a Sabrett's hot dog.
All kidding aside, Atlanta is a fine choice. You don't thinkbeing in the prime TV time zone of the country that bankrolls thewhole Olympic shebang with its TV rights bid had any influence, doyou? It has wonderful mass transit, lots of good hotel rooms andrestaurants and the sports facilities will be top drawer. JimmyCarter's already hard at work building the chairs for the GeorgiaDome. (They ought to hold some of the outdoorsy, survivalist events,like canoeing, shooting and squealing like a pig, on north Georgia'sChattooga River, where they filmed 'Deliverance.')
Tourists should know though that Atlanta isn't exactly 'TitletownUSA.' Loserville is more like it. Its professional teams arelaughingstocks. None of Atlanta's professional teams, not theBraves, Falcons or Hawks, have ever played for their league'schampionship. Through a combined 50 seasons of major league baseballand NFL football, the Braves and Falcons have ONLY ONE playoffvictory-a Falcons wild card fluke in 1978. You're familiar with thebumper sticker: Go Falcons! Take the Braves With You. The Hawksroutinely choke in the NBA playoffs. There used to be a hockey teamthere, the Flames, that never did much. Soon after moving to Calgarythey won the Stanley Cup. Calgary, hmmm.
Atlanta's Dave Kindred, whose work used to grace these pages,reports that the Falcons are currently facing seven paternity suits,including two against former team president Rankin Smith Jr., son ofthe team owner; the Rankin Smiths are referred to inside the NFL as'the Jed Clampetts.' Mindful of the team's 11-36 record over thelast three seasons, a Falcons wife was quoted as saying of the team,'We may be bad, but at least we're fertile.'
